You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

(Written Saturday, December 29, 2007 at 3:16am)

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people IGNORE you. That really grinds my gears. I'm sure everyone has had something like this happen to them; when you try and talk to someone and they just IGNORE you.

Forget that.

I spent thirty dollars on that gift and if you aren't gonna respond to my messages, I might as well give it to someone who actually deserves my attention.

Now, I could understand if it's a matter of just not receiving the messages at said time of being sent, but if your computer is on for days at a time, you should still see it.
Maybe you're just being a woman and you're playing hard to get. OK. Maybe you're just angry because I forgot your birthday. OK.
But if it's for any reason other than that, forget you, and forget your dog too.

You know what else really grinds my gears?

Sebaceous Cysts.

For those of you who don't know what a Sebaceous Cyst is, allow me to inform you.

It's basically a large cluster of cells that all of a sudden want to stop moving around in your body and decide to start joining together.

Imagine a condo being somewhere on your body. Now imagine that the guy renting the condo is an illegal immigrant. He's gonna invite all of his family and friends to come stay for free, to the misfortune of the guy who owns the land the condo is on. The condo fills up with people and things, and they really don't belong there in the first place, and shit starts to get serious.
(I have nothing against illegal immigrants, I just thought the analogy would prove to be both humorous and yet touch an important part of current events in the world.)

I had to get one removed today, and while the procedure didn't hurt at all, the novicane wore off and now I can't bend my knee. I'm not gonna post a picture, just to spare you all the pain, but basically I've got about a two inch incision on the back of my leg covered with four stitches. That basically killed my whole Friday.

Another thing that grinds my gears?


When UPS crushes my packages.


I spent $171 dollars on the stuff inside the box and you send it to me crushed, with the tape broken and the side open? What am I paying $20 shipping for? So the guys delivering packages can pretend to be Barry Bonds and try and kick field goals? (That was a sports joke, for you ladies reading this.) Not to mention the fact that nobody rang the doorbell, and the package was left on my front step for anybody to just waltz up to and take. By the way, for clarity's sake, said picture is not actual box. The actual box has been sunk to serve as a habitat for sea life and felines.


The final thing that's grinding my gears tonight?

Spider-Man.

More specifically, the latest issue of Amazing Spider-Man.

SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON OUT FOLKS, IF YOU READ COMIC BOOKS AND YOU DO NOT WANT AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #545 SPOILED FOR YOU, STOP HERE

Joe Quesada, the Editor-In-Chief over at Marvel Comics, has made no secret of his disdain for Spider-Man's marriage. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Spider-Man character, or current events unfolding in the Marvel Universe, allow me to give a little insight.

Peter Parker married Mary-Jane Watson many moons ago. Joe Quesada views the marriage as a scar on the character, preventing Spider-Man (and Peter Parker), from appealing to readers of all ages. Joe wants the Spider-Man he grew up with, the single, lives with his aging-aunt, can't afford a nice suit, twenty-something Peter Parker.

Recent developments in the Marvel Universe involving Peter Parker include his identity as Spider-Man being made public, new powers being gained after going through an evolutionary process, and his status as a fugitive for disobeying the Super-Human Registration Act.

As a result of being a fugitive from justice, and his identity being publicly known, his elderly Aunt May (who's like, 90, or something) is shot by a sniper's bullet. Peter does everything he can to save her, short of making a deal with the devil.

Oh wait, that's exactly what he does.

Yes, that's right. The devil, otherwise known in the Marvel Universe as Mephisto.


Does that look like a trust-worthy individual?

Peter can't deal with the guilt that would result if his aunt (who's like, 90, or something) were to die from a bullet intended for himself. Despite everyone in the entire Marvel Universe telling him that "It's her time.", Peter ignores them because the guilt would, "tear him apart."

YOUR AUNT IS LIKE, 90, OR SOMETHING. SHE'S ALREADY DIED ONCE, WHAT'S ONE MORE TIME?

Mephisto tells Peter that he can save his aunt, but there's a catch. Mephisto wants their Peter and MJ's marriage. Yes, that's right, the devil wants their love. What reason? FUCK YOUR REASON, that's why. The excuse given in the book is that "a love so pure, like yours, is unique. It would please me greatly to be in possession of such a love, rather than him."
I'm paraphrasing, of course, because I really don't want to get up and read that piece of crap again.

Still with me? Let's recap.

An old lady is dying, and everyone says that it's her time. The only way to save her is to make a deal with the devil and give up your hot wife and your marriage, and your memories of said marriage. Sounds gravy, right?

Peter and MJ eventually reach the decision that the old hag (who's like, 90, or something) is worth saving, and they decide to go through with the deal. Oh, one more thing, because they are giving up their marriage, they'll never be able to have their future child. Thanks, Mephisto. Mephisto does his magic thing, and reality changes.

Peter awakes in his bed, goes downstairs to find his old Aunt May cooking wheatcakes, and rushes off to a surprise party.

The surprise party is being held for Harry Osborn, son of Norman, college roommate of Peter. Dead for 15 years (our time).

Everything is as it was in 1975.

Fuck that.

I'm done.